Competition Round 4 Results

Now. I have not completely cooled from my mental breakdown, as Waveclaw decided to call it. But as I received two entries, I am obliged to post them. Two people have been disqualified in this round, unless they decide to take advantage of my desperation and turn it in tomorrow.

Contestant 2~

A whisper. Calling out from the dingiest part of the darkening alleyways of the slum neighborhood, was the thin frail woman I once called mine. With a heart-wrenching cry, she scrambled to her feet, clinging to the cold, cyan silk hem of my cloak. Disgraced by the sordid sight of my former lover covered in the acrid smelling car oil and filth, I yanked the cloak from her grip and swaggered as superiorly and domineeringly as I could, disregarding her frantic weeps and whimpers.

Her whole body seemed to be shrivelled up into a thin, dry frame of skeletal features and scraggly red hair. The image of what she used to be swept back into my mind, resisting my cultivated ability to block her beauty from my perspective. There she was again; my Sienna, hair of deep scarlet and eyes of penetrating blue. There she was, the tall, slender woman of my dreams, reciting Wordsworth and Shakespeare, swathed in the luxuriant indigo of her figure-hugging dress, feet wearing the fairy slippers of pale silver and gold.

She was exquisite. But look at her now, a besmirched lady, cradled in the emanating shame of poverty. How could I have ever loved someone of such low descent that one small Depression tumbled her down into the steaming pit of rotting top dogs in our society?

Taking out my silver, antique revolver to put the filthy dog out of her misery, her captivating blue eyes widened and her lips parted in a soundless scream. Her fingers closed in the air in her last attempt to catch at my hand. With a click, the gun was set, the deed almost done. Just one pull, the pull of the trigger, would end her dishonorable life for ever.

Sienna, the lovely, enchanting doe, the intellectual, the charmer…the lover and the friend, who had turned into the sodden rat who grovelled on her knees in front of her dark-eyed former partner, would be gone in just one bullet’s shot.

“Just try. Try to remember those old feelings. Don’t kill me,” she spoke in a pleading rasp, eyes hardening with determination, hands folded on her lap, as delicately as a flower in a storm. She was still exquisite in a tough, fascinating way. And she stole me just like she did before.

The gun was flung into a nearby gutter, and she was in my arms once more, just as sweet and soft as before. She nuzzled her face into my neck and breathed one last time before her frail body became lifeless for good.

Creativity ~ 8 Ooh...this was interesting. This was more of the approach I was expecting when I assigned this prompt. XD You were the only one who did it!

Vocabulary ~ 9 Wow! How do you use them so well? It's amazing.

Sentence Variety ~ 8 Nice. Same suggestions as usual!

Character Development ~ 8 I like how little you explained them, yet how you developed the personalities. Though, it could have done with some more, I was a bit confused in the beginning.

Action ~ 7 It was very interesting! As usual, you've done a great job! Only, in very few places, I had that urge to skip ahead, you know that feeling?

Final Comments ~ Haha you did awesome, just like always! Of course, it was three days late...but still, thank you for sending me one! You scored a 39. Good job!

Contestant 3~

“He’s so cute!” Selena sighed, her eyes focused on a guy her age, standing not too far away. Her best friends; Katie, Linda, and Diana nodded their heads in agreement.

“Adorable,” Diana added.

“Who’s cute?” asked a deep voice behind them. The girls spun around to see their guy friend, Cash, grinning mischievously at them. “Are you girls talking about me again?”

“No idiot!” Katie laughed. Cash mock-frowned.

“Well, then, who else could you possibly be speaking of?” he asked, genuinely confused. All the girls except Katie began giggling and exchanging looks of utter and total embarrassment.

Katie rolled her eyes. She couldn’t understand why her friends were such… piffs when it came to telling Cash about this stuff. She was so used to talking to him, and they’d grown much closer over the past few months. Sports, food, boys, and even that time of the month -she could talk to him about anything and everything. He never even made it the least bit awkward.

“We’re talking about Jason,” Katie explained with a smile. Then she noticed her friends sneaking away. “Or at least… were until you came.”

“Why do you girls like him so much?” Cash asked with a frown. “He’s nothing but trouble.”

Katie was confused. “Wait… aren’t you best friends?”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean he’s worth it. Face it Katie. He treats you like trash.”

“Why do you care?” Katie asked. She could feel her blood boil with anger. It wasn’t any of Cash’s business if Jason didn’t treat her right. And what was he talking about anyways? Jason was the nicest guy she knew! “You have no right to say any of that!”

“Sorry Katie. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“Just stay out of it, okay?”

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

~*~

“Jason is the biggest jerk in the world.” Katie fumed to her friends a month later.

“I second that.”

“Third it.”

“Fourth it!”

“He’s so mean!” Katie continued complaining.

“Who?” Cash asked, coming up to the circle of outraged girls. He and Katie had gotten over their conversation and in an hour, they had gotten back to normal.

“Jason is, that’s who!” Katie spat. “He told everybody that I liked him. And he did not even ask me if I did, being the idiot that he is.”

“Um, yeah, well we’re gonna go get Cheetos,” Diana randomly announced. Katie groaned. Her best friends had this annoying habit of leaving her whenever Cash came along.

Katie and Cash watched them go. Then Cash turned back to Katie. “I’m sorry Katie, but you have to admit, he was a piff. He didn’t care about you at all.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Katie nodded agreeably. She didn’t question Cash’s strange language, as she had read somewhere that guys liked to make up their own words and use them in normal conversation. In fact, Katie noticed that she was doing that more and more too. “I should have listened to you before,” she told Cash.

“Yes, you should have. I have no idea why the sorcery you liked him.” Cash scolded. Katie glanced to the side, where Jason was standing not too far off.

“Don’t worry though. I have a plan,” she assured Cash.

“I don’t know Katie. I saw that glint in your eyes. This is usually the part in a story when something really bad happens.”

“Eh, don’t worry about it! We’ll be fiiiiine,” Katie shrugged before walking off to find her friends.

~*~

“Holy puckleberry! Let me go!” Jason yelled as he was tackled to the ground by four girls in ninja suits. The tallest one, Selena, shook her head.

“No way.”

Jason tried to rise to his feet, but was pushed down violently by Linda and Diana.

“Stand down you oaf,” Katie ordered, brandishing a knife with the hem ninja suit, which, if you couldn’t already tell, looked really weird. Jason struggled to free himself but Linda and Diana were much too strong.

“HELP!” he yelped, hoping someone would hear him. Cash just happened to be walking by, and he quickly arrived at the scene.

“What the sorcery are you girls doing?” Cash asked, startled.

“Don’t worry about it,” Katie smiled sweetly at him. “Just teaching the piff a lesson. Now, if you would be so kind as to walk away without a sound, that would be ever so appreciated.”

“Uh… okay?” Cash shook his head and walked away.

“Now…” Katie grinned. “We shall take our revenge!” Thunder boomed in the sky, which was quite awkward as it was sunny outside. Anyways, Katie leaned down and held the knife to Jason’s throat.”

“No, please no Katie! Just try. Try to remember those old feelings. Don’t kill me!”

That’s all for today folks! Tune in tomorrow to see what happens to Jason, only on, The Vierdy Show!

“Oh come on!” the whole room full of kids groaned. “Tomorrow? I want to know what happens today!”

“Well, too bad!” one of the kids’ mom said, walking into the room. She picked up the remote and hit the power button. The television screen turned black with a flash.

“I’m so glad that stuff only happens in shows. You know, girls going crazy and attacking player dudes?” a boy named Karlos said when the mom was gone.

“Yeah, I would never do that in real life,” a girl named Tori agreed, looking at him with big admiring doe eyes.

THREE YEARS LATER

“No! Please spare me! Come on Tori!” Karlos yelled. “You promised you would never do this.”

“That was back when we believed girls didn’t kill their crushes!”

“We can change this! It doesn’t have to be this way!”

“Goodbye Karlos!”

And then silence.

Epilogue

“That’s the third death we’ve had this week sir,” a young police officer reported to his boss. A bunch of investigators were gathered around the murder scene.

“I just don’t get it. Why is it that every victim was a boy well-known for being a player?” the head cop asked.

“Because players suck!” a girl in an orange shirt answered, walking up to the cops, her best friend following close behind.

“Who might you be?” the head police asked.

The second girl stepped up. “We are part of a group of kids called the Anti-Player Society.”

“And what is your job? Your goal? Why do you exist?”

“Our goal is to rid this Earth of every player in the world. We shall wipe them all out, erase every piece of proof of players ever having existed, and rid the Earth of their very being.” As the girls were explaining this to the cop, they had started heading away from the scene and into an isolated building.

“Ah, well, you girls are now under arrest for man-slaughter,” the head police said.

“Sorry cop, but you’ll never get around to arresting us. We heard you cheated on your wife. You know what that makes you? A player.”

The End

Creativity ~ 8 Haha, this was awesome! This was an interesting direction to head in.

Vocabulary ~ 7 Maybe a few more descriptive words?

Sentence Variety ~ 8 Nice! It was set in a way that made it very interesting!

Character Development ~ 8 I could have done with a little more information on how everyone's minds work. But otherwise great!

Action ~ 8 Haha, it didn't describe the action, but it left it suspenseful, as if we knew what happened anyway. Cool!

Final Comments ~ LOL this made me laugh! And the second I saw “What the sorcery”...;) You know. XD Anyway, I like how you handled the prompt this time, and was impressed by how things progressed in it, though it could do with a little work. You scored a 39.

Contestant 6~

December 2nd, 2012

Dear Diary,

Today was an awful day. I just feel so angry all the time, especially for the past few weeks. Fury has just been sprouting all over me and I don’t even know how to explain it to you. Across my face, I’m just always so mad. You know me as simple Amanda- chubby, cute, kind, sweet, supercilious, agitated, and loving. You know me as the Amanda in tenth grade with a crush on the sweet boy Zach who’s been giving me the “hots” since 6th grade, the girl who’s moved ten times from Minnesota to California, the girl who has sky blue eyes. I’ve told you all of this but I’ve never been able to explain my angry side. The side when there’s drama with friends. Drama, drama, drama. Crying, laughing, and ESPECIALLY gossip. I can’t handle it all, no. So here I was, yesterday at school making out with Zach and then Gracie, you know my best friend, just comes up and says to me, “Just try. Try to remember those old feelings. Don’t kill me.” And right after I give her this confused look she pulls around me and smacks Zach with this grueling, lip-sucking kiss that just pulls me into this stupid anger trance. Of course, I didn’t kill her after that because she had told me that stupid sentence up there- try to remember those old feelings. You must know what “old feelings” she’s talking about- there are only one set of “old feelings.” They were the feelings that she and Zach had- in ninth grade. So here I am sobbing my heart out with so much anger my eyes are going to be puffy red tomorrow. I hope you of all people understand- you’re a diary. What do you care about my life? Here I am suffering while you get to read a nice story. I’m sick of this. I think I am going to kill Gracie. For EVERYTHING she’s done. I don’t care about the old feelings. I’m going to do this.

Signed,

AMANDA

Creativity ~ 9 Wow! When I assigned this prompt, I had no idea of it heading in this direction.

Vocabulary ~ 7 It's satisfactory!

Sentence Variety ~ 7 It varied, but needs work.

Character Development ~ 8 Great!

Action ~ 7 Hm...it was interesting.

Final Comments ~ This is a definitely unique way of incorporating the prompt! It could do with a little work, make it sound more official, though I know it is difficult since this was a diary entry. Good job. You scored marks of 38.

Wow, a one point difference! I would post what happens when there are only two people left in the competition, but I allowed the other two a chance to turn an entry in even still. By tomorrow only, at the most. So  therefore I will not be posting the new prompt either, but will be posting it on Monday, in the evening. Don't worry, I will allow extra time to until the next turn in though.

Good job, the three of you!

Okay, a day late. Here is your prompt:  This time, this one time that will never happen again, you can do free. Anything you want to write, you can. Hint: I prefer fantasy ;) And long stories.

I will give you until NEXT Friday night to complete this. Therefore I don't want any excuses this time about not handing it in by midnight. Any late, and I will not be accepting it. So yeah. Good luck!