My Disloyal Followers

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Competition Round 1 Results

First off, I would like to say that each and every entry I received were amazing. Even if you received a bad score, you still did very good. No one scored under 25, which I find extremely impressive.

Second, I am quite sick right now, I even ditched my ballet classes I was feeling so terrible. I couldn't move around so I was thinking there's no way I can go there. So instead of posting the results tomorrow morning, like I promised, I'm posting them today. I'm sure you're very happy about that, but the reason behind it is because I'll feel even worse when I wake up in the morning. I can only hope I'm well enough to go to school on Monday.

And now. I have decided to post what each person has written, but for the sake of embarrassment, in case you feel it, I am not saying names. I have already informed you what number contestant you are, so I suggest you look at that. Also, read all the way to the bottom. I mean, you don't have to read others' writing, but at least check your marks and the new prompt.

Contestant 1


  A black she-cat panted hard as she threw himself at an orange-yellow tom. The black rain fell hard on her fur and pounded her pelt like needles in a cloth. The orange tom snarled as he dodged the attack swiftly. The she-cat fell on her belly, exhausted from the fight. She could feel the tom’s presence; he was going to kill her. But just then a bolt of lightning struck the tom as he fell to the ground. The she-cat got up and scampered into a cave, protecting her from the cold, black rain. The sun shined brightly in the cave awakening the she-cat to find another cat beside her. It wasn’t the tom she had fought the other night; it was a different cat, but who? The yellow-blonde tom stared at her with worry in his eyes. “Are you ok? I saw your friend outside,” he asked.
  “I’m fine and that wasn’t my friend…” she replied
  “I’m Thornmoon. Who are you?” he asked
  “I’m Nightshade. That cat over there was trying to kill me last night!!!” Nightshade replied
  “Why?” Thornmoon asked horrified
  “It’s kind of a long story but I can tell you if you want…” Nightshade replied “Well, when we were kits, I was always a better warrior than him; I hunted better, fought better, even acted better. So when I became a warrior first, he got really mad and never really talked to me much, so I guess that was his way of saying ‘Thanks for nothing.’” She said
  “Oh, my!!!” Thornmoon exclaimed “That’s quite, an… interesting reason to try and murder a cat…” he replied laughing a bit.
  “Tell me about it…Fox dung!!! I have to go!!!” Nightshade said as she ran towards the entrance of the cave.
  “Wait!!! You’re from PathClan right?” he asked
  “Yes, I am.” She sniffed the air. “You’re from… MoonClan!!!” she exclaimed moving backwards before running towards camp.
  “The one cat I meet and like is from PathClan!!! Why, why, why…” he said pounding his head. Nightshade ran to camp as fast as her wounded legs could allow her too; finally reaching camp she padded over to the Warriors’ Den and fell into a deep slumber. She slept for quite a while until Sunmist woke her up.
  “Come on! Lightstar is announcing the new deputy!” Sunmist said running over under the Evergreen.
  “I’m coming…” Nightshade said.
  “May our warrior ancestors look up upon this cat and approve my choice, Dustpelt, will be our new deputy. Congratulations.” Lightstar said jumping down from the Evergreen.


Creativity ~ 8 I can see that this is leading to some forbidden love ;)

Vocabulary ~ 6 Work on it, but it's proficient for your age.

Sentence Variety ~ 4 You only used nouns and dialogues.

Charrie Develop ~ 5 I'd have liked to get to know them a little better.

Action ~ 5 Slightly bored me.

Final Comments ~ You could maybe have spent a little more time in describing the scenes, and make it a slight bit less hasty. It felt rushed, like the dialogues were being forced upon the characters. Maybe next time, just elaborate more on each and every detail. And it was really good for your age!!! You scored a 28.

Contestant 2
  Katniss was dying. With every breath she took, her life seemed closer to the edge the breath before, and this time finally she was frightened. Every near-death experience before this all seemed so unproblematic to her, given that she always had her pack with her, but this time, her pack was in a wolf-cave somewhere, and here she lay in a part of the woods far from civilisation with an infected stab wound gushing out blood every time she loosened her grip. Cassie started to worry that she would lay out there, in the woods, with no-one knowing where she was, while she gave up the ghost. Not that she had many people who would be worried about her, she added on bitterly.
  Katniss shook her mane of brown free from her flimsy elastic band, feeling the mud soak into her hair and harden on her scalp. A cooling, calming sensation tingled in every pore of her skull, leaving her with her eyes closed in peace. The dull, pulsing ache reminded her of her injuries, and with a cry of horror, she realised that she hadn’t been holding on tight enough; blood lay in a pool around her shivering body, and ran free from the wound.
   With a sudden burst of inspiration, she scooped a handful of thin leaves, bound together by mud, and slapped it onto her wound, the pain of the stab replayed over and over. Feeling the tender skin wince at the touch, he screwed her eyes shut in pain. Ignoring all the aches and the hurt, Katniss wrapped her jacket around her leg, securing it with a rusty pin that once served as a killing tool.
   Prim would know what to do. Prim always knew what to do with cases like these. She was born a healer, and nothing less.
   Blinking her eyes sleepily awake, she tried to keep herself active, knowing that if she happened to slip into unconscious, her chances of survival would go from little to nothing. Shifting herself onto her stomach, she used one arm to shakily rise onto two legs once more.
   With a slight glance, she found her bearings, and figured that she would probably reach the village in two hours, if she managed to walk briskly non-stop. She gritted her teeth, in attempt to numb the pain, and set off in a slow shuffle that seemed to tell her that she wasn’t going to make it out of the woods alive.
   The twittering mockingays in the leaves of the trees seemed to be mocking her with their sweet, cheerful melodies, and she found herself murmuring tunes from her childhood that seem to be within those mockingjay songs. And soon, they were.
   The forest rang out with a harmonised song she had sung, and the mockingjays took to the skies, singing, singing.
   After what seemed like forever, though, in reality, it had only been half an hour, Katniss slumped onto the woods floor, head in between her legs, short quick breaths, and beats of her heart pulsing in her ears.
   In the last moments before the final blackout, the final breath, the final second, she thought of Prim, her mother and most of all, she thought of Peeta. Peeta Mellark, the kindest, sweetest boy she knew, the boy who loved her, who fought for her. Peeta, the saviour, had gotten her this far.
   Through her drying lips, she managed to rasp four words, the words that she would die with.
   “I love you too.”


Creativity ~ 9 It's pretty cool. ;)

Vocabulary ~ 9 Uhhhhhhhhhh I have a worry poking in my head that you just may have a larger vocabulary than me.

Sentence Variety ~ 9 It didn't vary much, but you managed to do it in a way, that it doesn't sound repetitive.

Character Development ~ 9 That was definitely Katniss. ;) Except for the whole loving Peeta part. That just didn't seem right.

Action ~ 9 Not very evenful, but full of suspense, the action I look for.

Final Comments ~ That was really good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But there's always room for improvement! You have me scared that you're a better writer than me. You got a 45!

Contestant 3


Tratie Story
We were both young when I first saw you
I tug a weed as the flashback starts,
Fingers blue and black
Saving strawberries from winter's wrath
See the frost, see the strawberries dying
See you make your way through the grass
And say "Hello"
Little did I know
That you were Travis Stoll, trying to steal my heart
And Demeter said, "stay away from my daughter,"
But I was crying in the Great Hall, begging you "please don't go,"
And I said,
"Travis, take me somewhere we can be alone,
I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run
So you obliged and soon time started to fly,
It's a Tratie story, baby just say yes."
So I sneak down to the stables to see you,
We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew,
So close your eyes,
Escape this camp for a little while
'Cause you were prankster boy, I was Ms. Goody-Two Shoes,
and Demeter warned, "stay away from my daughter,"
But you were everything to me, I was begging you please don't go,"
And I said,
"Travis, save me, they're trying to tell me how to feel,
I know I'm harsh sometimes, but my love's real,
Don't be upset, we'll make it out of this mess,
It's a Tratie story, baby just say yes"
You fell over unconscious
After one of your pranks had gone terribly wrong
I sat next to you waiting,
But after three weeks, I started to frown,
And I said,
"Travis, wake up if you have more nectar you'll explode,
I'm starting to think that you're dead and not just knocked out cold,
I'm going insane from waiting, am I hallucinating?"
You opened your eyes and sat up in bed and said,
"Katie, forgive me, I was only pranking you.
I wanted to see if your love for me was really true.
Now why don't you follow me, my cabin should be empty,
It's a Tratie story, baby just say, yes."
'Cause we were both young when I first saw you…
Fin.



Creativity ~ 8 Definitely creative. Song was not something I'd thought of.

Vocabulary ~ 7 Well considering it's a song, it makes it a bit difficult, but I decided on this.

Sentence Variety ~ 6 Again, it's a parody.

Character Development ~ 3 I didn't really see characters properly.

Action ~ 5 Um.....

Final Comments ~ Again, not something I'd thought of. Pretty cool. But it is a tad harder to grade. You scored a 29!

Contestant 4


   Brambleclaw froze in the undergrowth; his neck fur bristling and his ears trying to catch any sound. As he opened his jaws to drink in the scent nearby, he noticed a familiar, unwanted smell. ShadowClan. He was far from the ShadowClan border, so the scent must have come from an intruder. He crouched low behind the leaves, staying as still as possible with all of his senses on high alert. Whoever the intruding cat (or cats, he thought warily) was, he or she had obviously masked the scent, but not well enough. There was enough scent for Brambleclaw to sense the rank of ShadowClan beneath fox-dung and mud. Although he longed to pounce on whichever cat had dared to cross ThunderClan territory, he didn't know how many cats there were, and whether there were any cats from his own Clan near enough to come help him, if he needed it. Finally, after a tense wait, Brambleclaw thought he saw a paw show for a second, behind some bracken a few tail-lengths off. He saw a flash of mud-tinged orange-Russetfur? This cat was obviously careful enough to scent the air, too-and this cat also scented Brambleclaw. He heard a voice so low, he nearly fell over trying to listen. He caught "ThunderClan nearby...be alert...ready to attack." Ready to attack?  Brambleclaw tensed his muscles, even though he knew he couldn't leap to the ferns where he had heard the voice-which was probably Russetfur's, but he couldn't tell exactly.



Creativity ~ 8 It resembles Warriors, definitely, yet retains the place for other happenings. Pretty cool.

Vocabulary ~ 9 That's like as good as mine! Good job!

Sentence Variety ~ 8 Pretty good, only suggestion is try to lean away from nouns a bit more.

Character Development ~ 7 It definitely captured the Warrior angle, but maybe try to include a little more of Bramble's personality?

Action ~ 9 Pretty good!

Final Comments ~ It was great! It captures a memorable scene in this type of life. Some suggestions could be to separate it into multiple paragraphs, it's a little confusing like this. It was extremely good for your age! You scored a total of 41!

Contestant 5

Tame the bird’ he said to me,
a falcon in his hand.
But freedom can't be tamed, can it?
It's lakes and mountains, wind and sand.

But this bird had been wild, feral,
It not wanted to be tame.
It wanted open skies, and starry nights
and to be as wild as the flame.

‘But father, I cannot tame this!
It bites and scratches and beats it’s wings!’
But he wouldn’t hear a word of protest,
No matter how much my cuts would sting.

So up I stayed, with this bird,
food for the heart, music for the soul.
And slowly, slowly, ever slowly,
we stopped fighting for control.

Every day we spent together,
in fields of beauty my bird did fly.
I trusted him, he trusted me,
we finally saw eye to eye.

I proudly took him to my father,
certain that he would be pleased.
I held my bird aloft with joy
It cared for it, it cared for me.

But instead of being happy, joyous,
he glared in my direction.
‘This bird has not been tamed’ he said
‘This is a bird that has been broken’

Before I could make a move to stop him,
The dove was gone from my hands.
Neck broken, tossed to the floor,
this was all that was left of my friend.


‘Do it right next time’ He said
with not an ounce of sympathy.
Then he turned and walked away
and there was no comfort left for me.




Creativity ~ 8 That was awesome! But it seemed a bit too similar to how it was phrased in the book.

Vocabulary ~ 8 Doesn't use big words, but you used them well enough so it seems like it!

Sentence Variety ~ 9 It rhymes! It's really good! Flows really well!

Character Development ~ 9 Wow. You completely made me understand the natures of the characters. Good job!

Action ~ 9 It really kept me interested! Good job!

Final Comments ~ WHOA. I absolutely cannot write poetry, and this blew my mind. Keep it up! Your score is 43.



Our winner this round is...CONTESTANT 2!

Congrats! But will you be able to keep it up for four more rounds?


I have decided not to do disqualifications for this round, since it was the first one, merely a trial. Now that you know how it works, you have another chance to wow me and stay in!

Thinking about a new prompt was trouble. But I finally came up with something. It is...

PROMPT: Fight scene

Remember, it isn't fan fiction any more. So you need to come up with an original fight scene! Good luck!

5 comments:

Optimistic4ever said...

Due Friday? Or Thursday again?

O4E

Fira Marine said...

Friday!

Kayla Anne said...

So since you Looooove Jaleb so much, can I recycle something I've already posted? It can be a verbal fight...riiiight? Lol

Fira Marine said...

I guess...I would prefer something physical.

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